How To Manage Separated / Divorced Families In Holiday Time
- Brainz Magazine
- Nov 16, 2022
- 6 min read
Updated: Nov 23, 2022
Written by: Suzanne Glendenning, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
How to make it work? How to manage others’ expectations, as well as your own? At this time of year many people are talking about family celebrations, taking a break and enjoying a special time. Sadly, this is not the case for everyone. Navigating the often-stressful holiday period with a tight family unit with no conflict or issues is hard enough, but navigating the minefield of working out the holiday schedule can be a nightmare if the family is separated.
Stress was a topic being discussed with a client recently and part of her stress was around managing the holiday period as a separated mother with teenagers.
Of course, it depends on the relationship between the couple and their children, but if it’s toxic then it can be stressful for everyone. There are of course, families who manage this well and the relationship, if separate, is still healthy and functioning effectively.
After a client raised her issues around this topic, I decided to consult a valued colleague, Sallyanne Hartnell from Reflect Coaching, who specialises in coaching clients around the difficult time of separation and divorce. She has a wealth of knowledge and expertise which is what is needed with this delicate and sensitive subject. I asked Sallyanne 5 questions around navigating the stress leading up to and involving the holiday period. How do you manage your expectations as well as everyone else’s?
Have realistic expectations and ditch the obligation
Sometimes this is done out of a genuine desire to spend time together and sometimes, it’s about appearances, obligations, traditions and expectations.
Now is the perfect time to re-set “how it’s done,” release yourself from the obligation and expectations. Be brave and consciously choose how you want to spend your precious holiday moments. Divorce brings with it the gift of being able to consciously choose how the next part of your life is going to look ‒ and this can include the holidays.
Be realistic about what you can fit into this time. Shift your mindset from what “should” happen at this time of year to what you can realistically manage, as a separated family or a single parent and commit to that. Aiming for this year to be “perfect” is stressful. The harder you try to create“the perfect family holiday” the more stressful it is. Hints: Release yourself from the idea of how the holidays “should” be. Release yourself from the expectations of others, and of what the holidays have been in the past. Set realistic expectations and make conscious choices. How do you communicate your message and be heard?
Communicate clearly & early
If you can discuss with your partner/ex-partner the plans for significant days, it’s best to do this early. You can gently communicate with others along the lines of “a lot has changed in our family and this is how we are spending the holidays this year”.
Compromise is key. If the kids are old enough (teenagers definitely are) and there are healthy boundaries/relationships with both parents, they may want a say in where or how they spend their time. If the children are younger or for families where the co-parenting relationship is more challenging, these guidelines will need to be set by the parents and may even be documented in court orders, so you need to work within those parameters. If this is your first Christmas, or holiday period as a separated family, there’s also grief, loss and sadness to deal with. How you do it this year, doesn’t have to be the way it plays out in future years. It’s not “mum’s time” or “dad’s time” with kids. It's all the kid's time and they should be top of mind when you’re deciding how the new version of your family will spend the holidays.
Hints:
If you have an amicable relationship ‒ discuss it all early and communicate clearly. Communicate who has what happening and when. A joint family calendar can help keep everyone informed and minimise both the stress of this time of year and ease the mental load of holding it all. Let go of perfection and choose what is best for everyone this year, knowing things can change later. How do you plan the holiday time so it works for everyone?
Have a plan and a clear story
Formulate it together if you can. How Christmas and the holidays will look. Have an (agreed on together if you can) version of your story that feels safe to share. No-one needs to know all the private details but having some phrases at the ready to deflect often well-meaning questioners can be helpful and ease some of the stress.
Hints:
Have some phrases and responses ready for any situation. If you are attending events together, (or even if you are flying solo) having an agreed time you will leave can also be helpful. Money can cause of conflict in relationships. How do you handle this tricky topic?
Managing Money
Money can create conflict in any relationship ‒ intact, intimate partnerships as well as co-parenting relationships. Many couples (together, separated, divorced) experience financial stress at this time of year. Emotional spending, overspending, and spending out of guilt or obligation, can occur with the desire to be the “best” parent and give the “best” gifts. If you have children, try to discuss who buys what / what gifts they will receive and if at all possible, decide this together. Adding further to the stress of the season. Kids and teenagers love gifts, but what they most need from you during this transition is your time and presence. Hints:
If you can, discuss together how you will spend the money. How much, on what. Set your own limits around how much you are willing and able to spend. Communicate this clearly with your ex/co-parent and, if you cannot agree to share the costs or have a joint plan, set your boundaries and stick to your own limits. Avoid being competitive and do not add to the stress. Choose not to be bullied. By anyone. How do you manage the emotions of the relationship over the holiday period?
Go gently
Go gently with each other. If it’s amicable, or relatively so, find gentle ways through this holiday season. It’s hard and stressful enough without adding more to the pile. Try to make each other’s lives a little easier and less stressful by cooperating and collaborating. There is a reason you are divorcing but avoid confrontation and find a calm space during this time even when others don't.
Find ways of communicating calmly. Calmly say “let’s talk about this somewhere else after the holidays” and respectfully disengage. Walk away if you have to. If that’s not possible (for a number of reasons it may not be with family violence, or toxic or dysfunctional relationships) go gently with yourself.
It’s tempting to self-soothe, self-medicate or look for a release valve at family functions especially. Go gently with overindulging. That third glass of prosecco might not be of the best service to you. Finding simple pleasures and pockets of joy.
Releasing yourself from expectation and obligation by setting boundaries around how you spend time, energy, and money.
Hints:
Give yourself the gift of no conflict! Find ways to remain calm. Dial down your reactivity, recognize the buttons that will likely be pushed and have strategies at the ready to deal with your own activation to enable you to become and remain calm.
Go gently in the ways you communicate and what you choose to discuss over this period. Thank you to Sallyanne Hartnell, Relationship Coach for her wisdom and generosity. Go here for more information and helpful blogs. Enjoy your holiday break and focus on what really matters to you and your family. Suzanne Glendenning. Master Results. Leadership Coach and Master NLP Practitioner. Quantum Results Coaching.
Suzanne Glendenning, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Around 20 years as a qualified coach, mentor, and Master NLP Practitioner, together with many years in corporate and business have given Suzanne a unique understanding and appreciation of the challenges many women face in business today. Gaining clarity around the passion and purpose for their business or their leadership role and finding the life balance they deserve to have. Suzanne uses the tools, strategies and experience she possesses to assist clients explore what is possible for them and the courage to go for it. The courage to gain control of their lives. She does it with compassion and integrity.
