Four Steps To Overcoming The Barrier Of Chronic Shame
- Apr 8, 2024
- 6 min read
Updated: Oct 15, 2024
Dr. Karen Stallings is an expert in her field. She is the founder of Heal My Wounded Place, a buissness that empowers people to heal the wounds of the soul, the author of the book When Faith and Trauma Collide, she is a faith driven entrepreneur who has been a practicing clinican for over 30 years.
Everyone has had a moment in their lives when they felt shame. Shame is a term that describes the feelings of embarrassment and regret that come with negative thoughts about oneself. While the circumstances in which chronic shame manifests vary on a case-by-case basis, the result is the same: Those with chronic shame are trapped in a seemingly endless spiral of self-critique and unworthiness.
Shame is not something that one can quickly rid oneself of. However, those with shame must conquer this perception of themselves if they want to improve their mental health. Read on to learn how chronic shame manifests and how defeating it can set you on the right path toward true spiritual healing.
Causes of chronic shame
The first step in addressing chronic shame is to understand it. This kind of shame is not a result of a particular action you’ve taken but is compounded across several years.
Here are some of the most common causes of chronic shame:
Childhood trauma & abuse: Childhood is the time when a person’s self-esteem is formed, and if the proper emotional nourishment isn’t being given, a child will grow up feeling undeserving of kind treatment from both others and themselves.
Falling below expectations: When one thinks highly of oneself, it can be disheartening when things don’t go according to plan. Sometimes, chronic shame manifests with feelings of disappointment.
Mental health conditions: Chronic shame can sometimes be something that does not stand alone and is instead a byproduct of a root cause like generalized or social anxiety disorder.
How chronic shame impacts your life
Now that we understand why this sense of shame develops, we can delve into how chronic shame impacts the lives of those who suffer from it.
It can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms
Shame is not easy to conquer without proper guidance from a trained professional. That’s why, in some instances, those who suffer from shame will deal with those feelings in unhealthy and unproductive ways.
These mechanisms mentioned above can include:
Substance abuse: Using drugs or alcohol to numb feelings of shame or to temporarily escape from self-loathing.
Withdrawal from social situations: Isolating oneself to avoid judgment or rejection from others.
Self-harm: Inflicting physical pain on oneself to manage emotional pain or as a form of self-punishment.
Overcompensation: Trying to achieve perfection in different aspects of life to counteract feelings of inadequacy.
Aggression: Directing anger outwardly towards others to mask feelings of shame.
Shame encourages self-isolation
Another way that severe shame can negatively impact a person’s life is by influencing them to isolate themselves. This can be something minor, like avoiding a social gathering, or something much more significant, like separation from an entire supportive circle and cutting out loved ones.
This is also a popular way that religious shame is cultivated. Those who suffer from it are convinced that because they have mental health issues or do not follow a particular tenant of their religion, they will be judged and outcasted in their church.
Those with chronic shame think that their loved ones will inevitably cut them off and want to “beat them to the punch,” so to speak. Unfortunately, this expectation is one of fear and is often based on little to no actual evidence.
It can manifest in a physical way
It’s no secret that mental health and physical health are strongly connected. A Harvard study found that those with optimistic attitudes were 50% less at risk of a cardiovascular event than their pessimistic counterparts.
Those who suffer from chronic shame are less likely to seek medical care and more likely to avoid taking actionable steps toward self-care. In this way, shame can directly link to poor physical health.
Healthy shame vs. unhealthy shame
It is worth noting that shame is not always bad. In some instances, shame can alert us to our regrets, triggering self-reflection and eventual amends. Healthy shame serves as a moral compass, encouraging personal growth and empathy.
So, how can you tell the difference between healthy shame and unhealthy, chronic shame? The main difference is the duration in which you feel negatively. Healthy shame is typically attached to a specific action and is felt immediately after that action has been taken, such as saying something rude to a friend.
Unhealthy shame, however, is pervasive. It is deeply rooted in one's psyche and cannot be attributed to a particular action or behavior. Instead of being prompted by what one has done, it is a response to one's self.
Overcoming your sense of shame
Now that we’ve thoroughly addressed how chronic shame manifests and impacts one’s life, we can begin to discover how to amend this issue. Below are the four most critical parts of your journey to ridding yourself of shame for good.
Figure out your shame’s origins
As we stated earlier, no two shame sources will be identical. That’s why the first step toward change is a sincere look into your psyche and a discovery of what triggered your recurring shameful thoughts in the first place.
It’s important to note that this can be difficult to do alone. That’s why the assistance of a clinician like Dr. Karen Stallings can be so beneficial. Sometimes, all that’s stopping your mental health journey from finally starting is a feeling of loneliness. We do not heal in isolation. We heal in community.
Learn to embrace the shameful parts of yourself
This might sound unproductive at first. How could embracing shame be the key to overcoming it? The truth is that shame festers so strongly because those who possess it spend a lot of time and energy avoiding it. You deserve to love yourself, even the parts that are healing. We have to face it to fix it. Confront it to change it. Learning how to give ourselves time and grace helps us in healing the wound of shame. We discover we are more courageous and stronger than we think we are as we continue on our path of healing. Facing whatever you’ve become ashamed of head-on is the perfect way to prove to yourself that you’re strong enough to overcome it.
Practice self-love & self-compassion
Any spiritual or mental health process has to have self-love at its root to yield successful results. You deserve to love every part of you, even the parts that are healing.After understanding and addressing your shame, the next inevitable step is to accept it. Accepting even the negative parts of oneself is a dire step in the process of healing.
Seeking help on your journey to overcoming shame
Your shame does not have to define you. The longer you go without addressing it, the deeper it will manifest within you. The good news is that your spiritual healing process is in your own hands, and your journey can begin whenever you please. While the shameful wounds you endured were not your fault, healing them is your responsibility. You deserve to heal those wounded places. All you have to do is utilize the resources available to you.
Dr. Karen Stallings is a Board-certified Christian counselor and Certified Life Coach with over twenty-five years of clinical experience under her belt. One of her expertise is assisting clients church hurt and religious trauma especially shame rooted in their religious experience.
If you’re seeking help on your journey toward conquering shame and developing a positive relationship with yourself, consider taking that much-needed first step and schedule a consultation with Dr. K today. We also completed a new E-Book on shame that you can purchase here.
Dr. Karen Stallings, Therapist, Life Coach, Faith Driven Entrepreneur
Dr. Karen Stallings is an expert within the mental health field. Her childhood traumas, battles with depression and suicidal ideation provoked her to begin a journey of healing. She has dedicated her life to empowering others with tools and strategies to heal the wounds of their soul. She is the founder of Heal My Wounded Place, a premiere online business where she services clients across the nation.
Her mission: Let's Heal the wounds we cannot see.
