The Things We Carry Quietly and The Silent Struggles of Womanhood
- Brainz Magazine
- May 12
- 5 min read
Kres is well-known when it comes to intimacy and their work in couples therapy. She is the founder of Metro SexTherapy, a group Therapy Practice in Chicago., the author of the book How to Kick Life's Ass and Look Dope Doing it, published in 2021, and a major activist in the LGBTQ+ community.
Women carry invisible weights every single day, silent griefs that are often masked by a smile, quiet strength, or simply the demands of daily life. These emotional burdens are rarely discussed openly, yet they deeply shape our experiences, relationships, and sense of self.
Social media continues to create a world with so much inauthenticity that humility and vulnerability are laughed at more often than not. Clients continue to compare themselves to others, which creates a continued need to "show up" in a particular way.
Thought I would take a small commercial break from talking about connection and intimacy to focus on the inner struggles of the self.
Daily, we laugh. We show up. We post the smiling pictures and answer the texts with “I’m fine.”
These are the stories behind the smiles and posts:
The silent grief of outgrowing friendships
It’s heartbreaking to lose a friendship that felt more like sisterhood. There’s a unique grief in realizing you’ve outgrown someone who once knew every secret, celebrated every milestone, and stood by you through life’s seasons. The silence of this grief can feel deafening because it’s rarely acknowledged.
Lowering standards for love
Sometimes, loneliness pushes women into situations they know deep down aren’t healthy. The quiet sadness in recognizing that you’ve compromised your worth just to feel loved is a heavy burden. Yet, it’s a reality many face quietly, navigating the shame and disappointment behind closed doors.
The pressure to always be strong
“Stay strong,” they say. And so, women often put on brave faces, even when they feel shattered inside. Society praises resilience but rarely creates space for vulnerability. The weight of constantly performing strength becomes exhausting, especially when what you really need is support, understanding, and rest.
Invisible labor and lack of appreciation
Women frequently find themselves giving endlessly, caring for families, supporting friends, managing households, and excelling professionally, only to feel unseen or undervalued. The ache of being consistently taken for granted is a silent sorrow many carry, wishing for acknowledgment but too tired to ask for it.
Loving your body through unchosen changes
Our bodies often change in ways we didn’t choose, postpartum transformations, stress-related weight gain, or simply the shifts that come with age. Learning to love your body amid these changes is a private, often lonely journey. Society loudly judges women’s bodies, adding another layer of quiet struggle.
When silence is mistaken for peace
Many women are quiet, not because they feel peace, but because they’re exhausted from conflict, misunderstanding, or constant advocacy for their needs. Yet, this silence is often mistaken for contentment or compliance, further isolating them in their struggles.
The hidden guilt of needing space
Mothers adore their children profoundly, yet sometimes desperately need a break. This longing is often tinged with guilt, as society expects motherhood to be endlessly joyful. This silent shame prevents many from seeking the respite they truly need.
Facing judgment from other women
Women can be harshest to each other, judging parenting styles, fashion choices, speech, and lifestyle. The subtle cruelty of judgment from peers can deeply wound, creating hidden insecurities that women silently carry.
Faking confidence amid insecurity
Many women project confidence while secretly battling insecurity or heartbreak. This daily performance is draining, highlighting a gap between public perception and private reality. It intensifies feelings of isolation and sadness.
The shame of staying in unhealthy situations
Leaving harmful relationships or situations is rarely straightforward. There’s an unspoken shame women feel in staying because healing and change can be profoundly messy. Yet, this reality is rarely acknowledged, leaving many to struggle in silence.
The key is, we can’t fix womanhood, but we can fix the silence around it. The “problem” isn’t that women feel all of this. The problem is that we’re expected to endure it quietly, constantly, and alone. By speaking openly, we foster connection, compassion, and collective healing, helping each other feel less alone in the burdens we carry silently every day.
Here are some layered, practical thoughts for change, on both personal and collective levels:
1. Tell the truth (even when it’s messy)
Shame thrives in silence. Start small: journaling, therapy, voice notes to yourself, or honest conversations with one trusted friend. Practice naming your real experience without editing it to be more palatable.
2. Reclaim community
Modern womanhood is often isolated. Build (or rebuild) circles of support that are rooted in honesty, empathy, and sisterhood, not performance or comparison. Create spaces for “come as you are” connection.
3. Let go of the superwoman complex
You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to ask for help. Redefine strength not as doing it all, but as knowing your limits and choosing yourself without guilt.
4. Normalize duality
5. Hold other women gently
Stop judging other women’s choices and voices. We all wear different scars. Build bridges, not comparisons. Be curious before you’re critical.
6. Advocate for yourself loudly
Whether it’s in healthcare, work, relationships, or your own head, make your needs known. No more shrinking. No more hoping someone reads your mind or rescues you.
7. Celebrate imperfect healing
You don’t have to “be healed” to be worthy. You don’t have to arrive to be lovable. Practice radical self-compassion as you grow.
And every time a woman tells her truth, sets a boundary, or refuses to suffer quietly, she opens the door a little wider for the rest of us.
You are human. And your truth is sacred. If you need support unpacking these truths, or if these statements created a pause and you want to process it, email me. I’d love to create the space for us to do the work.
Read more from Dr. Kreszentia Ashford
Dr. Kreszentia Ashford, Aasect Certified Sex Therapist
Kres is a leader in intimacy, kink, and couples therapy, embodiment, and building lasting unions. She spends time in the interactions of bridging kink and intimacy in her couple's work to dramatically enhance and strengthen couple bonds. She has dedicated her practice to helping others, especially LGBTQ+ and other marginalized folks. She runs a group practice, Metro Sex Therapy, a fully remote therapy practice dedicated to individuals and couples who wish strength, communication, intimacy, and pleasure. Her motto: Pleasure is your birthright
