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The Deafening Roar Of (My) Silence

Written by: Leslie Gaudet, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.

 

I am the gatekeeper to my thoughts and every now and then something gets through and trips me up. In fact, it’s in these moments when the silent roar of silence can be deafening and unbearable. It all started when something happened where I felt I wasn't being seen or heard or even listened to and how I turned it in on myself as if to believe that there was something wrong with me because it appeared to be a pattern and I was finding all kinds of supporting evidence to support that what was happening to me was my fault.

I was in my feelings and self-doubts, and I thought I had to respond from logic in order to manage my emotions so that they didn’t manage me and so I kept myself from feeling into it so that I could get through to the other side of my emotions and confidently move through my day. Doing this (attacking my emotions from a logical point of view) only delayed my emotions from getting all riled up in that moment. But, as the day went on, and as I found myself returning to feeling less than over and over again, my thoughts kept feeding my emotions and keeping me in this “thought/emotion loop” that kept me beating myself up over and over again and feeding into my negative belief that something must be wrong with me. Otherwise, why does this keep happening where I keep fueling my emotions by repeatedly thinking that I am unworthy? It was my conversation with God where I was met with silence that pushed me to such emotional despair, and then something remarkable happened. A quote popped up on my phone from a meditation app that I have downloaded on my phone, and it simply said, “Sometimes silence is the answer.” At first, it made me angry and I cried angry tears and I started thinking that I would never find the answers I was looking for but then it gave me the courage to do something that I knew would bring me true transformation (because I had done this before) and that was for me to say out loud what I had been thinking for so long… …but to say it out loud to a group of people in my coaching group on my next coaching call. That’s where I knew without a doubt that I would have the biggest emotional transformation because I knew that I would have to get very vulnerable and share my secret words.


What I did was I sent in a question for the call that would happen the next day and I resolved myself to work it out with my Coach and my peers (my community). As I waited for my call and for my community to rally around me, I went on the hunt for answers and I started thinking about all of the reasons that I could find that would support my belief that I wasn’t enough…because let’s be honest, I’ve visited this narrative many times before and I always dealt with it from a logical point of view, or so I thought. I often would start my search by looking for answers to why this was always happening to me, and the answers that I was finding were the answers I was looking for, because I came to realize that the answers I was looking for were answers that would support me being in this state of mind of “but me”. I was doubting myself and spiralling into an abyss of grief and sadness, believing that God wasn't listening and that I was all alone on an island with no escape and no hope on the horizon, and so I started looking for the evidence that showed me it was true and that kept me:

  • always focused on finding supporting evidence of why it (meaning my self-worth) was so bad instead of looking for reasons of how it could be so good.

  • never trusting in myself as being worthy or at least never admitting out loud that I believed everyone was born to add value to this world but never fully realizing that at the end of that statement the missing words unspoken were,” everyone but me”.

  • feeling ashamed that I allowed myself to end up here again because I thought that being a Coach and working with my clients around mindset and emotional awareness somehow made me more equipped to manage my emotions, and so I should know better.

However, truth be told, I have come to realize that my being a great Coach for my clients is because I help them embrace their emotions so that they can truly release them and find inner peace. I do for them what they have been searching for. The missing piece for me was that I had not yet given myself permission to do that for me. So when I was saying out loud to anyone that would listen that “Everyone is born to add value to this world”, I wasn’t finishing the sentence with “but me”. I never believed that I thought this way; that I was unworthy of adding value to this world because I never said it out loud before, because it was unspoken in the deafening roar of my silent space in my head that was still making up its mind about what I was going to allow myself to fully embrace as my truth.


And I never told anyone this thought that was revealed to me until I was on a recent coaching call where I was the one being coached, and my Coach saw right through me to the space in my head and she started probing me about the unspoken words she could sense I wasn't saying out loud. And I got into my emotions, and I cried, and I embraced my emotions and finally released them, and I felt so much better because it allowed me to feel my way through it (something I had been denying myself from doing for so long) and that allowed me to recognize the untruths I had been thinking and embracing so that I could make new more empowering decisions. I was looking up to God for the answers, which is always a good thing. But I also believe that my conversation with God and how I felt my words fell on silent ears was just Him wanting me to look inward and sit in the silence and really listen so that I would understand that I was the one putting the limitations on myself because I was the one that chose that for myself without truly recognizing that I was doing that which kept me stuck in my loop of “but me”. I could believe it was true without a doubt that everyone else is born to add value to this world but I didn't fully believe it was true for me and so I put restrictions on my own worth because I had a comma waiting after my own sentence and let the words “but me” hang in the silence, not realizing that just because I didn't say it out loud, didn't mean that I wasn't thinking it. And so, as I was being coached by my amazing Coach, I had my aha moment that in order for me to truly heal that part of myself that was carrying the words “but me” with me everywhere I went, that part of my self-love journey needed to be completed. What I have come to learn is that I have been on a journey for these past few months to Find my Voice and Give Myself permission to speak up for myself; and to be confident to speak my truth, owning that I am worthy. And that was the piece I needed to find so that I could begin to truly love myself unconditionally, because I was wanting that for myself for so long but there were always unspoken conditions. I had placed conditions on who I am and my worth and my own unspoken value scale. I leaned into a truth that in order for me to be considered worthy that I had to give more than I received. And when I had my conversation with God and the answer was silence, I thought that that silence was validation of my own (untrue)value scale when in fact silence was a reminder to look inward and become one with my emotions so that I could finally heal my lack of self-worth, heal my inner voice, and allow my heart to release me from my negative thoughts around my worthiness.


This simple yet most difficult exercise has allowed me to remove the words *but me' from my vocabulary when describing my worth as a human and allow myself to for the first time (in a very long time) to speak up to me, for me.


I’ve come to realize that my power to manage my emotions comes from me allowing myself to be in the moment of feeling so that I can move through and release my negative limiting beliefs which then allows me to transition gracefully into a more positive frame of mind.


I tell you this because if you are anything like me where the unspoken words of “but me” live in the silent space in your head (that you know are there and that pop up now and again when you start questioning your worth), I want you to realize that it doesn’t have to be a truth that you hang onto and that you can release those words from your vocabulary and make a new decision for yourself.


I know that speaking up for myself is a work in progress, but I am making progress and getting better at it every single day.


Because I know, deep in my heart, that I was born to add value to this world (as are each and every one of us) and I am adding value every day, one moment at a time.


Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Leslie!

 

Leslie Gaudet, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Leslie Gaudet is a Mindset and Emotional Awareness Coach for women. She helps her clients achieve self-awareness around their emotional triggers by shifting their mindset to make better decisions when they respond, allowing them to bring more balance, peace, and harmony into their lives.


Almost 4 decades working as a Legal Assistant and Paralegal in the corporate world left her feeling emotionally and physically drained. That’s when she decided that she had to make some changes for her to live the life she loves. Those changes involved learning to love herself (without judgment or criticism). That mindset is the key to everything because our mindset influences our thoughts, and in turn, our thoughts dictate our words and actions. Thru her journey to self-love and self-acceptance, Leslie became certified as a Life Coach and attained further certifications in Group Coaching and Emotional Intelligence.


She works closely with her clients, starting with mindset because that is the foundational piece to self-love and self-acceptance. She teaches her clients about triggers and how they affect us emotionally by helping her clients tune into, spot, and understand their own so that they can become more self-aware of their trigger moments and emotional responses.


With proven tools and techniques and with her guidance, her clients tap into and discover their true potential to living their life and loving the life they are living.


Leslie believes that you will transform your life when you Change Your Brain (the way you think).

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