Written by: Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Is it truly possible to forgive completely?
This was a question I often asked.
I recall so vividly reading a news article published in 1998 about an American anti-apartheid activist and student at Stanford University who, whilst working in South Africa as a Fulbright Scholar, was murdered in 1993 by a mob of men in Gugulethu near Cape Town. The young lady’s name was Amy Biehl, and she was a mere 26 years old.
The article explained how her parents had traveled to South Africa after the incident. Despite what had happened, they continued their good work in the community, becoming involved in the upliftment of the youth through the Amy Biehl foundation they established in 1994 in honor of their daughter. Whilst splitting their time between South Africa and the USA, they attended the amnesty hearing for all four of her killers. The case was heard by the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, established in SA to promote reconciliation amongst the diverse population groups within the country. The four accused were officially pardoned and released from prison on the 28th of July 1998. Her parents publicly forgave the perpetrators for their crimes and, in doing so, changed the course of many lives, not just those of the four men, but others, including me, who heard their story about forgiveness. Two of the men subsequently joined them in their work at the Amy Foundation (the Biehl was dropped later on), and they continue to work side-by-side with Linda Biehl, who manages the foundation on her own after the passing of her husband, Peter, in 2002.
At the time, I could not grasp how anyone could be capable of forgiving someone who had committed such a terrible crime.
Likewise, when watching crime stories, they too depict victims forgiving their attackers for crimes committed against them. Watching these, I admit to being reticent to believe that anyone could actually forgive the person for these oft-times heinous, violent crimes. I am an optimistic soul but felt this was stretching the boundaries of belief too far.
Until I underwent my own metamorphosis, it was not easy by any means. It took several months but after much deliberation and doing certain activities, I was truly able to forgive the people in my life who have victimized and broken me. There were two particular individuals - one an intimate partner, the other a manager to whom I reported.
I learned through these experiences how powerful verbal abuse is and the painstakingly agonizing psychological manipulation they exerted upon me. It cannot be explained to someone who has not gone through something similar.
In life, there are sometimes no words that can express the deep, inner feelings we experience. Whether from physical pain or some form of emotion. We cannot transfer our thoughts or feelings to another person for them to share with us. It is our story alone to experience, have those thoughts, and feel those intense emotions, trying to understand why we’re going through that specific experience.
So, how did I do it?
I did it by following these easy, but often, very emotional, steps to forgiveness:
These activities can be done with the person whom you need to forgive. Otherwise, they can be done in a roleplay scenario with someone else, or you were talking to the person as though they were present.
Note to self: Forgiveness is not about forgetting, nor does it mean a reconciliation has to occur. It is also not a feeling. It is a conscious choice of an action one needs to take.
Step 1: Acknowledgement
Acknowledge the hurt/pain/anger/anxiety caused to you through the person’s words or actions.
Step 2: Consider
Consider how and how deeply the hurt/pain/anger/anxiety has affected you since you experienced it.
Step 3: Acceptance
Accept that you are unable to change the past. Consider what could have driven the person to treat you that way. Even if you do not feel it was justified if the person is available, can they tell you why they treated you that way? If it will not cause you trauma, ask them if they know how it affected you. If not, then tell them if they will listen to you. If not, let it go.
Step 4: Determine
Determine whether or not you will forgive and what the potential consequences can be if you choose not to do so. Realize that spending your life with regrets, anger, hurt does not serve
you well.
Note: Forgiving the person for their actions is not the same as ‘condoning’ what they did to you.
Step 5: Repair
If the person is available and you wish to repair the relationship you had with them, how do you intend to achieve this? Are you clear in your mind why you wish to repair it, and how do you think the relationship will be between you moving forward?
Step 6: Learn
It is important to find meaning in the hurt/pain/anger/anxiety you suffered. What did you learn from how you felt? What did you learn from the way the other person treated you? What can you take away from the experience/s?
Step 7: Forgive yourself
Learning to forgive yourself is a critical step in the forgiveness journey. We often carry guilt around with us about why we didn’t do something to stop ourselves from being hurt when it was happening.
We are not always in a position to stop it. The hurt may occur when you’re a child, youngster, or simply just not in a position to stop it (whether due to the other person being an authority figure/elder/relative or various other reasons).
Know that if you could have, you would have, and now that you have experienced it, you will be in a position to assist someone else who has gone through it or is going through a similar experience.
Let that guilt loose. It has no place in your life now. It is not serving any purpose but to hold you back.
Step 8: Forgive the person
Various actions can be taken physically to forgive the person who harmed you.
You could write them a letter telling them how it made you feel when they were hurting you. You could explain to them the hurt and suffering they caused you then and over the subsequent years. You can tell them how it affected your relationships, your self-esteem, and your sense of self-worth.
Once written, you can read the letter aloud as if you were reading it to them, then tear it up and throw it away, or go outside, to a safe clearing, and burn it. This act of destroying the letter serves to allow you to let go of the past, the hurt, the anguish, and the destruction the person caused you.
You could tell them you hope they realize the extent of the harm they did to you, but that you forgive them and you wish them well.
You could sit quietly and think about all they did to you and silently, feeling a sense of peace within, take a deep breath, focus on your heart, and feel the sensation within you of letting them go.
Follow all of these up with a quiet moment taken to feel your heart healing from the hurt and trauma you have experienced.
Feel it beating strongly, with purpose, reminding you that you still have reason to live a full and happy life.
Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Merrill Isherwood is a life transformation coach who has spent much of her life being of service to others in the corporate world and her personal life. She has an exemplary work ethic and is driven by living a life of integrity, having honesty, kindness, trust, and respect as her core values. Her psychological counseling degree, supported by her accreditation in life coaching, allows her to ensure her clients are suitably supported in transforming their lives. She specializes in body image, lack of self-esteem, overcoming abusive or toxic relationships, finding life direction, forgiveness, and overcoming adversity. To her, a life well lived means making a difference in each person's life that you are fortunate enough to touch, even if only in the smallest way possible.
